The Namin' O' Captains

The Namin' o' Captains be a dif'cult matter,
'T ain't jest one o' your dim shore-leave games;
You may a' first think me a mad ol' wave-slapper
When I tells ye, a Cap' must have THREE DIF'ER'NT NAMES.

First of all, be the name what the family use daily,
Such as Dinah, Cyrus, Caine or Gerard,
Such as Maggie or John, Quinn or Callisto—
All them be sensible an' ain't terr'bly hard.
Thar be fancier names if ye wants some more sly,
Some for the gentlefolk, some for the salts:
Such as Vitis or Flanagan or Malachi-
But all them be sensible'n ain't got no faults.

But I tells ye, a Cap' need a name what's partic'lar,
A name what's peculiar, an' more dignified,
Else how would he keep up his "mast" perpendic'lar,
Or spread out his mainsail, or drink to 'is pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a bushel,
Such as Stormcrow, Danger, or even Steadfast,
Such 's Discordia, or else Squall 'r Peril-
What don' seems to belong to more'n one Cap'.

But belay yourself lubber, there be a name left over,
And that be the name that you ain't gonna guess;
The name that no blasted damn Rebman'll uncover—
But THE CAP'S AULD FRIENDS KNOW, and won't never confess.
When you notice a Cap' in profound "meditation",
Slumped o'er their table in a puddle o' rum:
Their companions be n'gaged in a hushed conversation
O'er the thought, or the plot, or the mock of 'is name:
Cap'n PantsThiever, Hungover,
Migraine, or Cowardice
Their passed-out-on-the table, drinkin' night name.

As written by Bloody Cute Molly

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